Okay. So I came to the blog to get away from what other people were telling me to do, and do what I wanted to do, dump out whatever is brewing inside me. But they have found me even here! More on that later.
I wanted to say that I notice when I write, sometimes it turns into this self-deprecating list. And I don’t think that’s what I want this blog to be. I guess sometimes I find humor in those moments, and want other people to be humored as well. Because mom brain is a real thing. Just the other day I found myself trying to put on clothes I already had on…
But apparently according to this guy, cold showers are great for depression. What? Now that’s one I’m not super familiar with. I’m a little inspired, but cold? I like hot showers. In fact, showers are one of those refreshing quiet-ish moments of parenthood where I can finally get some space and breathe to myself and think, without feeling too badly, except when I think I hear crying. Now before anyone starts to think that parenting is supposed to be this super exhausting thing (and it is), I’d like to stick a plug for Maria Montessori’s work, which has given me confidence to allow my little one some independence and not feel like I have to be the driver of constantly enriching him. But again, I didn’t want this blog to turn into an advice column either.
So if I wrote some things and got some thoughts out, what else do I need to say? I’m asking that question to myself again, who am I writing to?
Now is an actually unusually quiet moment, and besides the hum of the pump motor, it’s a spring afternoon like the ones you read about. I can hear the distant noise of children playing in their backyards, feel the sun rays of an oncoming sunset just barely gracing our shades. But if I think about this I have to fight the urge to worry about the next difficult moment. The bothersome and potentially worrisome pain in my ear. The tension in my shoulders. The sadness when I look at life and realize chasing a perpetual perfect calm is a recipe for disheartenment. That all the shopping is just a vain effort to save myself from suffering. Somewhat ironically, I sometimes find comfort in the knowledge that I am not supposed to be settled on my lees, as much as I wish for it. But I don’t feel like I have the mental fortitude for that thought right now. Am I chasing a dream?