I’m pumping and blogging in my office right now because I’m working with a life coach and she asked me how social media fasting was going. And —
It’s going okay, because I at least realized I don’t even realize when I am trying to open my Instagram until I have almost done so and then I’m like wait. What am I doing? Remember, I am not checking social media today. But the unconsciousness of it all is what interests me the most about it. But then I also realized that my finger would ever so passively just move on to my next go-to app for distraction, a Hello Kitty puzzle game. And that was kind of okay I guess except when I started to feel frustrated and also when I asked myself, at my coach’s request, is it what I want? At first I thought, well, it’s not bad to have relaxation. And yes I do need relaxation, but then part of me wondered if there might be another better idea. Am I sure? And I wasn’t. So I thought what if I try blogging during that time instead? And see how I feel? So here is the first time I am writing on the phone app. Blogging on a phone! Imagine.
So I feel kind of uncomfortable because I’m writing this on my phone and I know that there are lots and lots of punctuation funnies but to defend myself can I just say that the reason I do not wish to fix it is because I believe punctuation should serve me not the other way around… so that my thoughts sound and flow the way they feel.. In my head.. because it feels like a stopped up fountain in there sometimes.
Life coach says what if I just did something for. Myself?
... So … That’s the thing. I always feel like I need people to know where I am coming from. Because I feel like I often do things or say things that could be misunderstood …. And then I will be judged. And if I’m judged…. Says the therapist, then what. Then I won’t have friends. I will be cast out. I say. And that would be sad. I would be alone? I venture a guess as to why it seems very frightening. And then we sit there and I feel settled with that realization.
Especially with “religion” … I ask a lot of questions. And I often ask a dear one what if I were to say these things to other people. And he says well. I know where you are coming from. Most people do not.
So I leave a lot of my noticing to him. Because being misunderstood is so ugh.
And this is a topic I come back to over and over again. And once in awhile Dear will reveal what he thinks and I’ll be like so very thankful that there seems to be an answer but then stuck with how to go on. Like yesterday. I just felt kind of sad. And it makes me kind of sad to even say that or put it on a page so I don’t know if I should continue on this. But we keep talking about this thing called healing. And the cross, and I keep asking why? Why the cross? What is it about the cross exactly that heals? That is the question.
Pumping time is over so I guess this post will end before I have even addressed its title much. Medium suggested more people to follow. I looked at their bios. The only one that attracted me said “happy mother”. Surely I want to be a happy mother, I thought. I’m not feeling particularly hopeful today or inspired. But I clicked “follow” anyway. Because I am not a happy mother. Except a quick scroll through her blog post titles revealed a sort of penchant for cursing that made me question the very happiness she advertised. Plus, I don’t want to pay Medium to read. Sorry.
But what is a happy mother? What does it mean to be a happy mother especially in this day and age? Are there any happy mothers? But more importantly are there any happy anxiety and depression-prone HSP special-needs church kid life neurotic tendencies mothers? I want to know.